How It Works

Fixing your penis has never been easier. Our patented 3-step process has a 99.7% success rate.*

Identify Your Penis

Before we can fix it, we need to make sure you've correctly identified your penis. Please confirm the following:

Is it attached to you? (If not, skip to Step 7)
Does it respond to stimuli? (Any stimuli. Poke it.)
Can you see it? (Acceptable answers: Yes, Sometimes, It depends on the weather)
Does it have a shape? (All shapes are valid. Even that one.)
When you look at it, does it look back? (If yes, call a different number.)

Apply The Penis Fixer 3000

Once your penis has been positively identified, simply apply the Penis Fixer 3000 using the included instructions.

Note: The instructions are written in a proprietary language that only your penis can understand. Simply hold the instructions near your penis and it will know what to do. If your penis cannot read, please upgrade to the Premium tier.

Important: Do NOT apply the Penis Fixer 3000 to any non-penis body parts. We tried it on an elbow once. We don't talk about it.

Experience The Results

Within 4-6 business days, you will begin to notice that your penis has been fixed. Common signs of a fixed penis include:

A general sense of penile well-being
Your penis now faces magnetic north
Increased confidence at business meetings
The ability to sense rain before it happens
Your penis will send you a thank-you email
Birds land on it (this is normal)

🔬 The Science Behind The Fix

Penile Recalibration Technology (PRT)

Using advanced algorithms and at least one crystal, PRT realigns your penis to its factory settings. Results may include a feeling of "newness."

Shaft Optimization Algorithm (SOA)

Our proprietary SOA analyzes over 47 shaft parameters to determine the optimal configuration for your specific penis. It's like Moneyball, but for your genitals.

Quantum Dong Entanglement (QDE)

Through the miracle of quantum mechanics, your penis becomes entangled with a reference penis in our lab. When the reference penis is fixed, yours is too. Spooky action at a distance.

Neural Penile Interface (NPI)

The NPI establishes a direct link between your brain and your penis so they can finally communicate. Most penises report feeling "heard" for the first time.

*In a clinical study of 10,000 men, 99.7% reported that their penis was "fixed" or "probably fixed" or "I'm not sure what fixed means in this context but sure." Study conducted by us, in our garage, on a Tuesday. Peer-reviewed by our friend Dave. Dave said it looked "fine."