Choose Your Fix
Every penis deserves to be fixed. Pick the plan that's right for your penis.
Basic Fix
$99.99/mo
$69.69/mo
Billed monthly. Cancel whenever. We'll be sad.
- One (1) penis fix per month
- Standard-grade fixing
- Email support (response time: 4-6 business penises)
- Access to Penis Status Dashboard
- Comes in a box
- Priority fixing
- Personal Penisologist
- Helicopter delivery
Premium Fix
$199.99/mo
$169.69/mo
Billed monthly. Includes a free apology letter.
- Unlimited penis fixes
- Premium-grade fixing
- Phone support (real human, probably)
- Priority fixing queue
- Free Penis Fixer 3000 carrying case
- Access to members-only Penis Forum
- Personal Penisologist
- Helicopter delivery
Most Popular
Ultimate Fix
$499.99/mo
$420.69/mo
Billed monthly. Your penis will thank you.
- Everything in Premium
- Personal Penisologist™ assigned to your case
- 24/7 Emergency Penis Hotline
- Helicopter delivery
- Your penis gets its own LinkedIn profile
- Quarterly Penis Performance Review
- Access to the Penis Fixer 3000 Source Code
- A handwritten letter from the CEO's penis
🏆 100% Money-Back Guarantee
If the Penis Fixer 3000 doesn't fix your penis, we'll give you a full refund. No questions asked.*
*Guarantee does not include money or backing. "Full refund" means we will fully acknowledge that you asked for one. "No questions asked" means we will not ask questions, but we will make judgmental eye contact. Offer void in dimensions where penises don't exist.
Feature Comparison
| Feature | Basic | Premium | Ultimate |
|---|---|---|---|
| Fixes per month | 1 | Unlimited | ∞ + 1 |
| Comes in a box | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ (nicer box) |
| Has a name | ✔ | ✔ | ✔ |
| Exists physically | Probably | Yes | Transcends physical form |
| Makes sounds | ✘ | Soft hum | Plays jazz |
| LinkedIn profile for your penis | ✘ | ✘ | ✔ (with endorsements) |
| Smells like | Nothing | Cedar | Ambition |
| Helicopter delivery | ✘ | ✘ | ✔ (Black Hawk) |
| CEO will call your mom | ✘ | ✘ | ✔ (to tell her you're fixed) |