Frequently Asked Questions
What exactly IS the Penis Fixer 3000?
Great question. Next question.
Is this FDA approved?
We are FDA adjacent. Our office is a 45-minute drive from an FDA parking lot. We consider this close enough.
Does it hurt?
Define "hurt." Does a caterpillar "hurt" when it becomes a butterfly? Exactly. You're welcome.
What if my penis doesn't need fixing?
All penises need fixing. This is a scientific fact that we just made up. If you think your penis is fine, you're in denial. Classic Undiagnosed Penis Syndrome.
Can I use this on someone else's penis?
The Penis Fixer 3000 is a single-penis-use device. Using it on an unauthorized penis voids the warranty and may result in a Penile Paradox, which we are not equipped to handle.
Do you ship internationally?
We ship to all countries that recognize penises as a valid body part. So, yes, everywhere. Except one country that we can't name for legal reasons.
What's your return policy?
You can return the Penis Fixer 3000 within 30 days for a full refund, minus the cost of the product, shipping, handling, processing, de-processing, re-processing, and emotional labor.